Many of us have lived a life with minimal risk.  It is in this riskless lifestyle where we create comfort zones allowing us to continue on in a steady state of happiness.  Others of us have shattered our comfort zones by taking major risks, such as moving to Colorado or traveling abroad, as soon as we were able. 

My life up to my twenties was mostly lived in my comfort zone: Iowa.  I was born and raised in Ida Grove, IA (Northwestern Iowa).  Although it was small with only 2,350 people and one stoplight, Ida Grove was a truly blissful place to grow up.  I was among life-long family friends, close to a majority of both sides of my family, able to roam the streets on my bike at all hours and felt very safe—the only crimes I can remember were drug related and rare.  My parents were happily married and both had steady, full-time employment.  Life was grand.

Despite all the comforts, I had been yearning to experience culture and life in a big city from an early age.  Ida County is particularly rural and far from…everything.  We were 1 hour to Sioux City, 2 hours to Omaha and around 2.5 hours to Des Moines.  Wal-Mart and fast food places were 26 miles away, and the nearest shopping mall was in Sioux City (you shopped with a mission).  The population was homogenous to say the least with nearly 99% of residents being white (most of them probably Christian), less than 1% foreign born and less than 2% speaking a language other than English at home. 

Country Roads Back Home

When it came time to end high school and leave this safe haven, I went as far as in-state tuition would allow: IOWA CITY.  My first few years at the University of Iowa were incredibly happy.  I was surrounded by a mixture of native Iowans, Chicagoans who migrated over for school and many free spirits.  Iowa City is a very unique spot in Iowa filled with artists, liberals, academics and free thinking people.  I finally settled on Biology/pre-medicine as my track and was pushing myself intellectually in the best kind of way.  Iowa City seemed to be the perfect stepping stone for a small-town girl desiring a bigger city (the Chicagoans thought the “Iowa City is a big city” bit was hilarious).

It was in my final months at Iowa when I started to have these intense moments of clarity.  It was a combination of study burnout, self-inflicted exhaustion, a desire to know who I was and a gut feeling that screamed “GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY!”  I was having a flash of my twenties in expensive medical school in the state of Iowa (where I got accepted)…and I HATED it.  I had an epiphany that I needed to use my twenties to discover who I was, and I knew I wasn’t a life-long Iowan.  I had nothing holding me back…why not leave?

I looked for grown up jobs in Chicago, but I wound up finding a company out of Plano, TX (North Dallas) with a development program for healthcare IT consultants.  I was to be in Plano for 3 months, learn all about healthcare IT systems and then be deployed to any of the cities with open roles.  This was a huge RISK and unlike anything I’d ever done before.  Also, was I really going to be moving to Texas? 

Prior to my Texan adventure, I spent my last few days in comfortable Ida Grove…comfortable is perhaps the wrong word.  I was stressed, not sleeping particularly well, experiencing heartburn (it’s horrible!) and losing my appetite (this really never happens!).  I’d made the decision without hesitation, but the enormity of it was hitting me like a freight train.  Part of me was thrilled about the adventure and potential self discovery, but the other half was terrified of the unknown.  I took deep breaths and headed to Texas.

My first 3 months in Plano wound up being some of the happiest in my life.  Texas was warm in the winter, I fell head over heels for an Irishman and I met some of the most wonderfully diverse and funny people.  I grew up, learned about self awareness and started to build confidence.

Leaving Iowa for Texas was a 751 mile leap outside of my comfort zone.  After the development program ended, I was sent to Chicago very briefly, then to Rhode Island for 8 months and now back to Dallas.  All of these moves were out of my comfort zone and some of them were NOT POSITIVE experiences.  Even though there was a lot of pain, I wouldn’t change any of them, because I grew up in the process.  I’m a tougher, better person because I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I amassed some great stories through it all.

Dallas Mates in Austin

There are certain situations and events that have a significant amount of permanence attached to them.  Since leaving the comforts of Iowa and emancipating from my parents, I’ve come across said situations/events and found myself getting a serious case of cold feet.  The very thought of passing these milestones terrifies me in a peculiar way.  Maybe I have some crazy ideas that they will tie me down a bit more than I want to be, or they will attach me to one particular place (I haven’t a clue yet where I want to put down roots).  Whatever the cause of my phobia, I’m going to divulge my ridiculous commitment issues, and I ask you to comment if you share any of these feelings (help me feel less nuts).   

A lot of my initial cold feet feelings came during my time in Rhode Island.  I had moved out there for work and was miserable.  I did not want to stay in Rhode Island for very long at all.  That is why I felt a lot of panic at the idea of getting a Rhode Island driver’s license.  There is a weird feeling of permanence when you see your face on a different state’s driver’s license.  Part of my entire identity up to this point in life was having a license that said Iowa on it.  Another more shallow reason was that I had a fantastic photo on that Iowa license, and I didn’t want to give it up (little sad, isn’t it?).  It may seem incredibly stupid, but I was going to do everything in my power to avoid ever walking into the Rhode Island DMV.

A related task I avoided was switching out my license plates.  Since mid-June in my 16^th year of life, I have driven around in a used, dark red car with Iowa plates.  In Rhode Island, I had the same fears with the plates as I did with the driver’s license.  If I was going to live in a car culture place where I had to drive every single day, I wanted to have license plates that reflected who I am.  Perhaps, I just had a plaguing fear of the Rhode Island DMV…

Like many other people in this technology-loving society, I live with my cell phone attached to me.  It is a big part of who I am and so is the number to ring that device.  I had always been a 712 area code which is a remote part of Northwest Iowa.  Anyone who knows that area code is probably going to know the town where I grew up or someone who lives close by who could likely be a distant cousin (the Midwest is a funny place).  When I was faced with the reality that I had to break away from the family plan (the final step to 100% emancipation from my parents), I wanted to attach myself to a place carefully.  Having a 401 Rhode Island area code was not an option, so I hung on to that 712 as long as possible.

These are just a few things that have truly given me “cold feet” since becoming an adult.  It may be a fear of certain commitments, or perhaps I was just afraid to give up a piece of me that felt so right (being from Iowa) and commit to another place that felt so terribly wrong (rural Rhode Island).  I know deep down that I will probably never live in Iowa again, and I’m comfortable with that.  However, I’m not keen on the idea of committing/putting down roots/tying myself to a place that I have no intention of staying for more than a few months.  I knew in a way that I’d be divorcing that commitment (Rhode Island for example) in a short amount of time.  It felt like a lie to take those steps to attach me to a place where I had no intention of staying. 

I’m proud to say that by moving to Dallas, I have passed through a lot of these milestones.  Although I don’t intend to stay in Dallas for many years, it will do for now.  Currently, I’m driving around with Texas plates, a Texas driver’s license and a 214 area code cell phone.

This Saturday will mark my 25^th year of life on Earth.  Unlike many other birthdays, this one is a major milestone year for me.  My life isn’t exactly planned out, but there are things I would like to do by the time I reach 25, 30, 40, 50, 65, etc.  This year the annual event has caused me to do a deeper than normal self reflection, and I’ve been brutally hard on myself. 

The first thoughts that came when I realized that I was actually going to be 25 were very negative ones.  I haven’t gotten a masters degree, I’m not living in the downtown of a glamorous city, I’m not in love with my job, I’m not one step away from engagement which will lead to marriage prior to 30 and children prior to 35, I haven’t lived in Europe, I’m still 10 lbs heavier than I want to be, I don’t have enough money for the down payment on a house, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…and the list goes on and on.  I began to feel bogged down by my disappointment with myself.

Suddenly I snapped out of it and realized that I’ve done quite a bit in 25 years.  I began to pat myself on the back for all the things I have done and recognize those accomplishments.  Here are some things I will be celebrating on Saturday:

• I went to the University of Iowa scared with an undecided major.  In five years, I studied biology (not an easy subject) and graduated with honors and with distinction. 
• While at school, I joined a sorority and began to meet people from all different backgrounds.  Also, I worked in a lab and made amazing friends that I’ll never forget.  I learned a lot about myself during those years.
• I left Iowa!!!!!!  I’ve had the travel bug since I was a little kid and knew I wanted to leave the Hawkeye state.  I do miss that sweet corn and those country roads…
• I moved a lot and didn’t go insane.  I moved to Plano, then did a two-week stint in Chicago, moved out to Rhode Island and finally came back to Dallas.  Each place has been unique and interesting its own way.
• I got a job with a huge corporation.  I may not love corporate life, but I have grown infinitely as a professional because of it.
• I have been in love twice and know what I want in a relationship.  I won’t stand to be treated like crap as I did in my early years.  This alone has been a huge growth and given me confidence I never had.
• When it comes to babies, I’ve got two nieces that make me light up with glee.  They are perfect!
• I have been to Europe!!!  I’ve visited London and Paris and can’t wait for the next trip.
• Hell, I’ve spent a summer in Okinawa, Japan.  How many people can say that they learned how to scuba during their summer in Oki? 
• I have done every kind of yo-yo diet there is, and I’m learning to accept my body.  I can be healthy and still be me without trying to drastically overhaul my physique. 
• I AM FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT FROM MY PARENTS!!!!!!!!!  This is huge.  I’m building up a cushion, saving for retirement, paying all my bills and chipping away at the stupid amount of student loans.  I still think my dad is in shock.
• Seriously – who does know what they want to be when they grow up?  Every project/assignment I tackle helps me to answer this.  Maybe I’ll move this one as a goal for 65…

My new promise to myself is to do this positive reflection each and every birthday.  I am going to sit back, think of all that I have accomplished, reflect on what my experiences have taught me and celebrate another year of life.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride more often and not be so hard on myself.  After all, if I can be financially independent from my parents, I can do just about anything.

You can find me smiling this Saturday June 13 at one of the Uptown Dallas pubs.

I have always and will always love stories of sweeping, epic romance.  As a child I was captivated by such stories mainly in the form of movies (from the Little Mermaid to the Thorn Birds).  The over-arching theme was always attractive couples with a spark that never died.  I dedicate a good portion of my free time to examining that everlasting spark by watching romantic comedies and fantasizing about romances.  In fact, last Saturday night was an intensive night of research in the form of watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and Notting Hill (a dual-themed night: rom coms and London…pretty wild night).  If my hours of study have taught me anything, it is that relationships are rarely “perfect” or “fairytale” but rather bipolar in nature.  Love’s manic highs and crushing lows have given me a reality check on romance and caused me to hurt my brain thinking about it.

There are many fictional and real couples that appear to have it all and be incredibly in love.  I tend to idolize these hot romances and put them on pedestals, but I forget that they have all had their ups and downs.  I look at my parents who are unbelievably happy after nearly 40 years of marriage.  Everyone knows that 40 years means many fights, a lot of tense moments and a whole lot of sacrifice, but they work at their marriage every day and still love each other deeply in the end.  Newsweek wrote a great article about Barack and Michelle Obama which pegs them as the millennial’s dream couple.  I can’t imagine the stress that relationship has endured, but they look so at ease with one another.  I’m jealous…  Another presidential couple that comes to mind is John and Abigail Adams.  I’m not going to pretend I’ve read David McCullough’s acclaimed biography, but I have seen the HBO series (it’s really good!) clearly making me an expert.  I was moved by the deep connection between the Adams family matriarch and patriarch.  Their steamy romance endured a revolution, many children, years of separation, a vice presidency, a presidency and many other trials.  Their connection is one that I think every couple dreams about.

The cynic inside of me knows there are tough times in every relationship, but there is always a euphoric state in the early part of a romance to throw you off.  Flowers smell better, music sounds more heavenly and nothing can appear to go wrong.  I call this the “Katrina and the Waves period” where a person is truly walking on sunshine.  Unfortunately, the skipping and singing in the streets comes to an end and reality hits.  There is no perfect person, and life tends to interfere with the fairytale.  Although imperfections and hiccups may be frustrating, it is these challenges that test relationships to see if they are the real deal.  I have found that working through the kinks is what makes you truly love the other person or know when it’s time to end the romance.

I have had two “real” relationships (I’m excluding flings, jerks that treated me like crap and obviously hook ups of any sort) – one ended and one is ongoing.  Neither one of them have been easy, convenient or fairytale-like.  My ex-boyfriend lived four hours away (clearly not ideal) yet we made it work by talking every night, weekend visits, etc.  We had a lot of fun together, I adored him and he quickly became my best friend.  I changed a lot after I graduated college, and I started to head in a different direction.  More problems kept coming up, and my feelings started to change.  Although I still loved him, I had fallen out of love with him and didn’t think we could make it in the long run.  To this day, I still feel a deep pain when I think about him, because he was so very special to me even though it didn’t work out. 

My current “situation” has been a roller coaster ride filled with blissful highs and dark lows.  We met at the most inconvenient time in our lives: during our 3 month corporate development program when we were both trying to focus on our careers.  We fought the attraction for awhile, but it eventually turned into an incredibly intense connection we couldn’t ignore.  He now lives in Europe, but we can’t seem to quit each other (we’ve really tried…).  He makes me laugh more than anyone, keeps me grounded, brings out the best in me and still gives me butterflies.  If it weren’t for the Atlantic Ocean and a series of unfortunate events, this relationship had fairytale potential.  As we work through the distance and our problems, it becomes more apparent to me that we have a great spark and the gusto to deal with the tough times.  Even though it hasn’t been a perfect story (and it is a bizarre one to many), I still think of him as my prince charming. 

My romances most certainly haven’t been fairytales.  Situations complicate things, feelings change and the timing is terrible.  Do I believe in romance and everlasting spark?  Yes, it comes with unglamorous struggles but is totally worth it for the right person.  Do I believe in fairytales or perfect relationships?  No, much in the same way that I don’t believe in leprechauns or a right-wing social agenda.

During our training session, we were told to understand and memorize (for testing purposes) the difference between stereotypes and generalizations.  A long debate ensued about the difference between the two words, and we got so busy debating the semantics that we almost missed the purpose of the discussion.  The reason for having this discussion was to make us better aware of diversity and the problems that stereotypes/generalizations pose in today’s work place.  For this entry, I would like to refer to them as the same thing and discuss stereotypes/generalizations about young millennials. 

While on a family vacation I was quite surprised to find that everyone in my family had a strong opinion about hiring young people, except my niece who mainly says “cookie” and “dog”.  All of my family members (parents in their sixties; brother and sister-in-law in their thirties) are in management positions, and together they threw out almost every stereotype about young millennials.  I have highlighted a few of the main ones:

1. No Patience
   1. Spoiled kids with no patience.
2.  Dress Inappropriately
   1. Management has to sit down and review the dress code with them, because they wear scandalous clothes or pajamas to work.
3. Don’t have a concept of the “real world”
   1. Too bad if you parents coddled you…that is not the real world.
   2. Don’t want to work, and sometimes show up late or not at all.
4. Demanding
   1. Have too many demands/needs/wants when starting a job.

It is hard for me to swallow this from my family.  Every day I go and sit in my cube for hours on end with minimal instructions.  Nothing makes me want to go crazier than sitting in a tiny space with only a computer and a phone.  However, my fellow training graduates and I have had the patience to sit there for four months while our company figures out what to do with us and we create work for ourselves.  Not to mention the fact that we got shipped across the country far from our family and friends on a salary that barely makes rent (let’s not even mention student loans…).  It is hard and frustrating, but I haven’t given up and I do not intend to anytime soon.  If that isn’t patience or the real world, I do not know what is.

Every day I go to work at the headquarters for one of the nation’s largest companies, and I see middle aged women wearing skirts that show more thigh than I would ever dare.  I see other twenty and thirty something women wearing shirts that leave nothing to the imagination.  Is it really millennials or is it just daring/scandalous/tacky women? 

As I analyzed these stereotypes, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe myself and my friends were just unique millennials that don’t live up to these stereotypes?  Is it just that millennials stand out more at the work place because we are young?  Isn’t every generation a little guilty of these things?  Have our managers forgotten what is like starting a new job?  Is this an experience issue?  Is this just like any stereotype?  Do we need to break stereotypes and change managers’ opinions?  For now, I will continue to go to work every day in my conservative clothing in a place far, far from home and have patience that it will all work out in this big bad “real world”.  For my friends and me, it is just another day breaking down stereotypes/generalizations…  Oh and by the way, I still don’t see the difference between the two words.

ster·e·o·type

“stereotype.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 05 Apr. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stereotype>.

gen·er·al·i·za·tion

“generalization.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 05 Apr. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/generalization>.

During our development program, we had a C-level executive come to discuss leadership with our class.  He made it clear that when it comes to success, the failures we endure are just as important as the wins, and failing is essential to being a great leader.  He told us that if we hadn’t experienced a big failure in our lives, one would be coming soon.  He was right on. 

A fear of failure spans every generation.  Not too surprisingly, many have said that millennials do not know what do with failure.  For many of us this is completely true, because we haven’t had much experience with it.  Most of our parents saw to it that we were on teams whose mottos were “everybody wins” which is precisely why I have a box full of “participant” ribbons (I just wanted to be on the team…).  We have seen mainly positive or neutral feedback thus far.  It is when we get out in the corporate arena that the potential for failure begins to mount.   

William wrote an article about playing the blame game, and I share his thoughts on the subject.  People in corporate settings are terrified about taking responsibility for anything, especially for something that has failed.  I have found that people respect you immensely more if you are honest and direct about what you’ve done.  We all need to take responsibility and grow from our failures.  If you are in a situation where people are not willing to deal with failure of any kind, perhaps it isn’t the best environment for you to develop. I’m not suggesting that we all go out and fail to learn some life lessons, but don’t fear it as much. 

Other millennials are of the “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” mantra and have dealt with failure.  Coping with and accepting failure are the hardest parts.  2008 was a roller coaster year for me, and I went through 2 disastrous roles in my company before finally landing one that was a great fit.  Both times I had my hopes up and was ready to give my all to succeed.  The first job was a rapid and utter failure due to the account collapsing.  The second role was a slow failure that caused me a lot of sleepless nights, self doubt and stress.  I put everything into trying to make that job and city work for me, but eventually I had to deal with the fact that I was not going to make it work. 

To get through those tough times when you are struggling with impending failure, you need to have faith in yourself.  Being sure of who you are comes in handy when it feels like the world is bringing you down.  Also, have patience that things will turn around and treat it all as a giant “life experience”.  You will learn about your weaknesses (essential to self awareness) and strengths, and you will most certainly build character.  When it becomes too much, don’t be afraid to see a therapist (check with your wellness dept–our company has a way to get free visits).  Talking with a neutral party can be exactly what you need sometimes.  If all that fails, red wine and an amazing playlist (I Will Survive, Stronger by B.Spears or Kanye, etc) will temporarily induce happiness.

One of my greatest assets during the rough times was my mentor.  He has had his share of ups and downs, and he gave me great advice.  Marty Zwilling has a blog for entrepreneurs and wrote an article on millennial entrepreneurs.  He says, “…they will fail a few times before they see some success, as did other generations before them…For now, millennials better find a boomer as a partner and a mentor, if they want to lead the startup pack, or even survive.”  This is wonderful advice.  Success will come, but for most of us it will be after a few failed attempts.  A mentor that has the experience to guide us through those highs and lows is what we will need to get back on the horse and try again.

Although 2008 was a dark year for me, I wouldn’t undo it.  Failing added to my character and raised my confidence.  Yes, failure actually increased my confidence.  The experiences (albeit painful) were life-changing, and I feel like stronger now.  Please feel free to comment with additional advice on dealing with failure.