However, families naturally evolve: babies are born, loved ones pass on, folks marry in and people move away.  My family is no exception.  I live in Dallas, my brother’s family lives in Florida and the majority of my relatives are back in the Midwest.  Unfortunately, a mega-trip to Iowa is not feasible every December and my family understands.

Over the last two years, this complicated geographic situation has given me the idea to come up with some of my own holiday traditions.  I’m not sure what the final catalyst was—if it was the fact I’m becoming more and more like my mother every day OR if it was that my apartment seemed to lack the magic of my home in Iowa—but whatever it was, I’m glad it happened.  Here are some of the holiday traditions I’m beginning:

• Christmas Tree – to me, there is something seriously lacking in my home during the month of December if a Christmas tree is not present.
  • Last year, I went to Wal-Mart and procured a 6’ pre-lit artificial tree for approximately $25.  To dress it, I bought a silver tree skirt, blue balls, gold balls and silver balls (all purchased at a discount store, for example Garden Ridge).
  • I have also purchased a few ornaments of my own throughout my adventures.  Seeing these on my tree reminds where I’ve all been and how I’ve changed over the past few years.  One of my favorites is a little lobster ornament from Rhode Island.

My Christmas Tree

• Decorations – I come from a home where no room is spared from holiday décor, so naturally I had to put some things out…
  • I used the leftover gold and silver balls from the tree and put them around the apartment.  Right now, I have some ornaments in the center of the dining room table.  Last year, I scattered some around picture frames on my bookcase.
    • NOTE: Men do not seem to understand the need to have Christmas balls on the table or anywhere else besides the tree.  I am not good at articulating my reasoning for this, but I’ve stayed adamant that they are indeed necessary.
  • Last year, I also purchased a garland (cheaply at a discount store) to string over the fireplace I had at my old apartment.  This year I have put it over an archway in my current place.  I really love how festive garlands make the apartment look.

• Movies – When I was a kid, I LOVED the Christmas movies they used to show on TV.  Frosty and Rudolph were two of my favorites.  As an adult my tastes have changed a bit, and here are my favorites:
  • Love Actually
  • Elf
  • The Holiday
  • Christmas Vacation (it’s amazing how funny it as an adult, because I actually understand the jokes)

• Music – There is something about Christmas music that really puts me in the holiday spirit.  I don’t have any CDs of my own, so I put together this play list on GrooveShark:

• Ogling at Christmas Lights – there are some unbelievable homes in the DFW metroplex, and seeing them all lit up is incredibly impressive.  I get annoying excited by driving around and seeing how creative people can be.

These are just some of the things I have begun doing to create my own holiday traditions.  No matter what your background, I’d love to hear how you have begun your own holiday traditions.  Please share!

Why the blogging silence?  It is most certainly not because I dislike blogging.  No, it has had to do with my inability to drown out all the noise going on in my head.  All this change has taken a lot of adaptation on my part, and I’m a person who thinks…and thinks…and thinks…about everything.  For me, writing a blog post with all that white noise swirling around in my head is damn near impossible; hence, the lack of blogging.

As I was struggling with inability to silence my brain, I decided to seek advice from a new mentor.  She told me I was letting my thoughts control my life.  Her advice was to step out of my head and live my life.  After chewing on that nugget of advice for a bit, I realized she was dead on.  I was spending my free time worrying, pondering, analyzing, etc, etc rather than enjoying my exciting new life.  I decided to take her advice by letting myself live in the moment, take deep breaths and quiet my worried thoughts.

One week after stepping out of my head, here I am writing a blog post.  I am calmer and already feel like things have slowed down a bit.  My stress levels are at a manageable level, and I feel more like myself.

If I ever notice myself going into frequent hyper-thinking moments (apparently my eyes open wide and glaze over when I give into my thoughts) again, I’m going to try and take a step back from it all.  Life doesn’t happen in your head and being trapped in there is maddening.

That's me living life: making homemade pizza and drinking wine

valentine Pronunciation [val-uh n-tahyn] Use valentine in a Sentence–noun A written or other artistic work, message, token, etc., expressing affection for something or someone.

Dear Autumn,

Ah yes, it’s autumn yet again and that pumpkin-shaped hole in my heart has been filled.  That’s right, the leaves are changing, the air is cooler, drunk people in burnt-orange shirts are wandering around Uptown Dallas on Saturday afternoons and Starbucks has their pumpkin-flavoring out.  I LOVE this glorious time of year, and I want to sing these affections from my balcony.

For the last 3 falls, I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing autumn in 3 very different states: Iowa, Rhode Island and Dallas.  Each one has offered up something delightful in this already wonderful time of year, and I’m going to share my favorites from each with you:

• Hawkeye football tailgating: Iowa City, IA has some of the best tailgating the BIG 10 conference has to offer.  Hawkeye fans show up in droves around Kinnick Stadium at painfully early hours to begin their autumnal Saturday ritual.  There’s cold beer (usually the cheapest brand one can find), drinking games and tiny grills/BBQs in a sea of black and gold.  Although the ritual usually turns into a drunken mess, it’s a great fall tradition that I miss dearly…right, there’s a football game too…

Me at an Iowa tailgate during my final year of college

• Fall colors: Rhode Island and the whole of New England have a plethora of trees.  When fall hits and the leaves begin to change colors, you are in for one of nature’s loveliest treats.  The spectrum of colors in a vast sea of trees is a feast for the eyes and is worthy of a long drive through New England.  I thought coming from the Midwest meant I’d seen leaves change, but it does not compare to the fall colors in New England.  Book a fall trip to RI or Mass and enjoy—trust me.

Fall Colors

• Reprieve from the Texas heat: This past summer was my first Texan summer, and the legends of brutal heat were true.  From June until just recently, I found outdoors to be intolerable unless I was in an overly air conditioned apartment or lounging by a pool.  That is why I’ve loved the suddenly cooler fall air outside.  I’ve brought my sweaters to the front of the closet again and turned off the expensive AC.  The past few weekends have been fantastic weather for walking around Dallas, checking out the scene in the arts district and sitting on a patio at an Uptown Dallas pub (favorites: Ginger Man, Quarter Bar and Black Friar).  This fall weather is a much-needed reprieve from the brutal Texan summers!!

Until next year,

Trina

What is fat talk?  The site defines it as:

Fat Talk describes all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies. Examples of Fat Talk include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?”, “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.” Statements that are considered Fat Talk don’t necessarily have to be negative; they can seem positive yet reinforce the need to be thin — “You look great! Have you lost weight?”

I am terrible when it comes to fat talk… Like the majority of women, I have body image issues and frequently buy a one-way ticket to negative town.  When I start the down negativity spiral, it really does have an effect on everything in my life.  The other morning my pants were really tight, I got down on myself and it ruined my morning—I know I’m not alone on this kind of morning.

That’s why I’m on board with Fat Talk Free Week and am going to work on promoting a more positive body image:

Fat Talk Free® Week (Oct 19 – 23, 2009) is an international, 5-day public awareness effort to draw attention to body image issues and the damaging impact of the thin ideal on women in society. This 2nd annual nationwide body activism event was borne from Delta Delta Delta’s (Tri Delta’s) body image education and eating disorders prevention program, Reflections: Body Image Program™.

The top 5 ways to promote positive body image:

1. Choose one friend or family member and discuss one thing you each like about yourself.
2. Keep a journal of all the good things your body allows you to do (e.g., sleep well and wake up rested, play tennis, etc.).
3. Pick one friend to make a pact with to avoid Fat Talk. When you catch your friend talking negatively about their body, remind them of the pact.
4. Make a pledge to end complaints about your body, such as “I’m so flat-chested” or “I hate my legs.” When you catch yourself doing this, make a correction by saying something positive about that body part, such as, “I’m so glad my legs got me through soccer practice today.”
5. The next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than objecting (”No, I’m so fat”), practice taking a deep breath and saying “thank you.”

Yesterday, I prevented several fat talk moments and felt better about myself.  However, I let a few negative comments slip, but I corrected them in my head with a positive thought.  The next time I let a fat talk moment happen I have to say the positive comment out loud for reinforcement.

If you would like to learn more or get involved, visit their site and watch this video.  Spread the word!!

In the past, I have written about the need to treat yourself for sanity’s sake and created a list of “treats” I give myself.  In noticing my recent ridiculous and totally out of balance behavior, I realized that this list needs to be updated.  What’s the additional sanity-saving treat?  Blogging, of course.

Once I put my finger on what I was missing in my over-booked schedule, it was clear that blogging had to be a top priority in my life.  Working longer hours and helping my foreign love get settled have caused me to write NOTHING and I HATE it.  Previous Saturday morning writing sessions at my favorite Starbucks listening to my favorite music have become a creative outlet that I didn’t have before.  I didn’t realize how much writing was a release that made me more sane.  Not blogging has made me a bit agitated and edgy.

Here I am now back at the keyboard, and I’m already a bit calmer.  I can’t promise another blogging dry spell won’t arise, but I can say it will be much shorter…for my and everyone around me’s sake

Blogging is key for my sanity

The revised sanity list:

• Exercise – It was the first thing that I put back on the schedule.  I put it high on the list, and I have felt healthier since.  Stress was making me sick and tired all the time, and exercise helps to even that out.  Bonus: no pills needed.
• Calling my family – When I have a free moment, I like to call my parents, my grandma or my brother’s family.  Hearing my two-year-old niece’s voice or hearing about my Grandma’s busy social calendar always brightens my spirit.
• Wandering aimlessly around the grocery store – My dad and I used to go the store a lot when I was a little kid, and I love to do it now.  It may be a bit weird to others, but I can stare at food for hours.
• Taking a bath – Again I revert to childhood happiness items: the bath tub.  I have always been a water-loving creature and taking a bath is the business.  You can read, play with toys and do some serious thinking.  Fact: Alan Greenspan did some of his best work in the tub. 
• Jigsaw puzzles – A bit nerdy, yes.  I love ‘em though.  They are mentally stimulating (have to keep that photographic memory running) and tons of fun.  To me, there is nothing better than a pot of strong coffee and a jigsaw puzzle.
• Cooking – I love opening a bottle of wine and whipping up a delicious meal.  You’ve got to eat anyways, so why not make it an enjoyable experience? 
• Watching The Soup on E! – Joel McHale catches me up on all the ridiculous TV that I don’t have time to watch.  Oh, and it’s is absolutely hilarious.  It’s reality show clip time!!!
• Blogging – Blogging allows me to build my own little gem on the internet that is all MINE—it’s like my special construction project.  Writing gives me a creative outlet that I NEED, because I find immense clarity after articulating my thoughts on life via writing for the blog.

In the past, I had a bully manager and really grappled with it.  I was the only woman his team, and his behavior of talking about how attractive other women were, constantly one-upping everyone (you know, the guy who always has to have the best story), frequently reminding me of “my place” and breeding a boy’s club culture caused me to isolate myself in my cubicle.  After a small depression, I left that situation but was still baffled on how to deal with that type of treatment at work.

Recently, I had a discussion with my friend – we’ll call her Samantha – about a crappy experience she’d had with a leader of our division who has a reputation for being abrasive – we’ll call her Karen.  Samantha was to assist Karen with a client presentation by gathering supplies off Karen’s list.  Sam worked with the division secretary to ensure everything was ready and followed Karen’s list to a T.  The day of the client presentation Samantha lugged a suitcase full of supplies in for Karen.  Instead of doing something productive, Karen berated Samantha for not doing anything right.  It was for really trivial things, like you didn’t print my PowerPoint slides with the notes on the bottom, the name tents don’t say our company’s name on them, you didn’t print the most recent version of the documents (Sam printed the doc she was given), etc.  Karen gave Samantha further verbal abuse while they were editing the presentation together.  I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, Karen is one hell of a bully!”

After Sam told me her story, I began to think of her situation and back to my times with a bully boss.  I started to ask myself a lot of questions.  I know for a fact that Karen is terrible with technology and incapable of doing anything for herself; was Karen just hiding her incompetence with mean words? What is the point of treating Samantha like dog poo when she clearly trying to help?  Could Samantha have stood up to Karen? Why would anyone in a leadership position treat their people this way?  I googled around and found a few things out.

Earlier this year, Forbes wrote an article about powerful corporate bullies and their “bully everyone until their vision is met” strategy for success.  If you weren’t contributing to their vision, you were treated in typical bully fashion.  As their vision is realized, their egos become inflated giving them a serious god complex which can get them into trouble with the law. Some of the most notorious, successful bullies include Vogue’s Anna Wintour, Martha Stewart and Apple’s Steve Jobs.  Forbes said, “Usually their office antics breed resentment, sabotage, “mental health days” and costly turnover”—to this I’d like to add: a “fiction” book about what a bitch you are at work, aka The Devil Wears Prada. 

Bully Leadership

The bullies mentioned by Forbes were hell-bent on leading their companies according to their vision.  Most of the corporate bullies I’ve encountered do not fall into this category; they seem to be spending the majority of the time covering their butts and attempting to make others look incompetent.  Bullyonline.org defines workplace bullying as:

“Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioural, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretence of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully.”

When workplace bullying goes unnoticed (usually the case) it can be very damaging to the recipient.  Workplacebullying.org has a 3-step method for dealing with corporate bullies:

1. Name it and legitimize it – Admit the problem and do not blame yourself, ever.
2. Take care of your physical and mental health to bullyproof yourself – The stress resulting from being bullied is both mentally and physically draining. 
   1. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional—trust me (from personal experience).
   2. If you don’t bullyproof yourself, you may crack and snap back at your bully.  Doing this only gives them ammunition against you—trust me.
   3. If it has gotten so bad that you need time off, take it and begin searching for a new job.  Realize this isn’t a sustainable future; something has to give—trust me.
3. Expose the bully – If it has gotten so bad that you are ready to leave your job, it’s time to do some serious talking with your leadership.  Keep it professional and about the business. 
   1. If they side with the bully, then leave.  You’ve done nothing wrong, and you deserve to work in a place that values you and doesn’t harm your health.  Chin up, learn some lessons and kick ass at your next gig.
   2. If your leadership is looking to get rid of the bully, then stay strong because it will be over soon.  You may have ramifications to deal with initially, but the source of your stress will be gone.  Bonus: you’ve got leadership that are keyed in and good at their jobs.

Note: When I left the bully boss, I didn’t sit down with my leadership and explain my reasons for leaving.  I just left because his boss had him on a pedestal—I felt it wasn’t worth a battle.

People may tell you it’s only work and to let it roll of your shoulders, but I can speak from personal experience, it is not quite that simple.   Be strong and remember this is about the other side’s problems.  You can end it, but it’s up to you to be the bigger person. 

I’m happy to say that “Samantha” is no longer working under “Karen”; however, Karen is still highly respected in our division…

Many of us have lived a life with minimal risk.  It is in this riskless lifestyle where we create comfort zones allowing us to continue on in a steady state of happiness.  Others of us have shattered our comfort zones by taking major risks, such as moving to Colorado or traveling abroad, as soon as we were able. 

My life up to my twenties was mostly lived in my comfort zone: Iowa.  I was born and raised in Ida Grove, IA (Northwestern Iowa).  Although it was small with only 2,350 people and one stoplight, Ida Grove was a truly blissful place to grow up.  I was among life-long family friends, close to a majority of both sides of my family, able to roam the streets on my bike at all hours and felt very safe—the only crimes I can remember were drug related and rare.  My parents were happily married and both had steady, full-time employment.  Life was grand.

Despite all the comforts, I had been yearning to experience culture and life in a big city from an early age.  Ida County is particularly rural and far from…everything.  We were 1 hour to Sioux City, 2 hours to Omaha and around 2.5 hours to Des Moines.  Wal-Mart and fast food places were 26 miles away, and the nearest shopping mall was in Sioux City (you shopped with a mission).  The population was homogenous to say the least with nearly 99% of residents being white (most of them probably Christian), less than 1% foreign born and less than 2% speaking a language other than English at home. 

Country Roads Back Home

When it came time to end high school and leave this safe haven, I went as far as in-state tuition would allow: IOWA CITY.  My first few years at the University of Iowa were incredibly happy.  I was surrounded by a mixture of native Iowans, Chicagoans who migrated over for school and many free spirits.  Iowa City is a very unique spot in Iowa filled with artists, liberals, academics and free thinking people.  I finally settled on Biology/pre-medicine as my track and was pushing myself intellectually in the best kind of way.  Iowa City seemed to be the perfect stepping stone for a small-town girl desiring a bigger city (the Chicagoans thought the “Iowa City is a big city” bit was hilarious).

It was in my final months at Iowa when I started to have these intense moments of clarity.  It was a combination of study burnout, self-inflicted exhaustion, a desire to know who I was and a gut feeling that screamed “GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY!”  I was having a flash of my twenties in expensive medical school in the state of Iowa (where I got accepted)…and I HATED it.  I had an epiphany that I needed to use my twenties to discover who I was, and I knew I wasn’t a life-long Iowan.  I had nothing holding me back…why not leave?

I looked for grown up jobs in Chicago, but I wound up finding a company out of Plano, TX (North Dallas) with a development program for healthcare IT consultants.  I was to be in Plano for 3 months, learn all about healthcare IT systems and then be deployed to any of the cities with open roles.  This was a huge RISK and unlike anything I’d ever done before.  Also, was I really going to be moving to Texas? 

Prior to my Texan adventure, I spent my last few days in comfortable Ida Grove…comfortable is perhaps the wrong word.  I was stressed, not sleeping particularly well, experiencing heartburn (it’s horrible!) and losing my appetite (this really never happens!).  I’d made the decision without hesitation, but the enormity of it was hitting me like a freight train.  Part of me was thrilled about the adventure and potential self discovery, but the other half was terrified of the unknown.  I took deep breaths and headed to Texas.

My first 3 months in Plano wound up being some of the happiest in my life.  Texas was warm in the winter, I fell head over heels for an Irishman and I met some of the most wonderfully diverse and funny people.  I grew up, learned about self awareness and started to build confidence.

Leaving Iowa for Texas was a 751 mile leap outside of my comfort zone.  After the development program ended, I was sent to Chicago very briefly, then to Rhode Island for 8 months and now back to Dallas.  All of these moves were out of my comfort zone and some of them were NOT POSITIVE experiences.  Even though there was a lot of pain, I wouldn’t change any of them, because I grew up in the process.  I’m a tougher, better person because I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I amassed some great stories through it all.

Dallas Mates in Austin

I knew some time with my family was what I needed, because I find spending time with people who get you down to your core is an amazing way to refocus and re-center.  This Saturday I boarded a plane to Omaha to spend a week at my parent’s house in my hometown.  It has been almost 9 months since I’ve been home (a reality I accepted when I left two years ago). 

You may be thinking: what about that pesky thing called work?  Well…due to the client’s budget restrictions, I have only been traveling to Fort Lauderdale every other week.  My “off weeks” usually consist of me playing musical workspaces between the amazing Starbucks below my apartment and my favorite chair in my room (a bedroom chair was quite possibly the best thing I have ever bought).  Earlier in August, I thought to myself, “Why don’t I work from Iowa one week?”  It was like the flexibility of my work situation finally hit me: if I have wifi and phone reception, I can answer emails and dial into calls anywhere which includes my parent’s house (they have internet in rural Iowa along with electricity and running water…).

At this point, I haven’t even been home for 48 hours and already there is a calming effect.  I’ve had the stereotypical, yet wonderfully familiar, meal of grilled pork chops, potatoes and corn on the cob.  My mother’s side of the family came over yesterday, and it felt great to see my aunts, uncles and some cousins.  Also, it was reassuring that my aunts still have their talents in the kitchen (I may never eat again after yesterday’s buffet).  My cat who is nearing 20 barely remembers me, but we are working on our strained relationship – she doesn’t much care for me…or anyone for that matter. 

Yummy!

Until I have a home of my own that truly feels like home, this house will be home, home.  I’ve moved A LOT in the last few years, and no place has felt permanent.  Dallas feels closer to long-term but definitely not permanent.  I don’t know how often I will make it back to this house, but it has a soothing power that my apartment will never have.  There is such a special place for home, home.

My work partner for the week, Amelia the diva cat, is not so much into work

Fedora Hat

Apparently fedora hats and Guinness are appealing to foreign men, because it wasn’t long before a few French men were telling me my hat was trouble.  I was soon getting more attention than I had bargained for from a small group of French male travelers—some of which didn’t speak a bit of English…  Of course, Irish Boyfriend wasn’t far from my thoughts.  I rejected the French travelers as politely as possible (which wound up not being very polite as they were rather insistent on swimming in Lindsay and I’s apt pool after hours…), headed home and put the fedora hat in the closet where it belongs.

The next morning I started to think about my sudden popularity with French males.  Was this a new demographic for me?  Naturally, I assumed not.  Was it the hat itself?  Again, I assumed not as it was nothing special from Forever 21.  Was it the Primo’s margaritas??  It was more plausible than the other ideas, but no… That’s when it hit me: it was the strutting, the standing tall, the smile…it was some elusive CONFIDENCE! 

Like most women I know, my confidence ebbs and flows like the tide.  I’ve got days where I am incredibly hard on myself and others where I feel invincible.  Although I’m aware that I’ve got a lot going for me, I tend to forget all of that and replace it with self-loathing.  I spend more time tearing myself down than I do boosting myself up—it’s the reason I need so much external validation.

The night in the above story, my fedora hat didn’t radiate confidence into me.  Rather, I stepped up to the plate and reassured myself that I was amazing from hat to pumps.  I gave myself a big bump of confidence which is apparently attractive to French males (and possibly men in general…).  I’m going to apply this strategy of reinforcing self-assuring thoughts more often, and maybe I’ll get the positive attention I deserve in every situation.  Bonus: I won’t have to annoy people with my, “Do I look OK in this?” routine.  Also, I plan to strut more often.

I'm #1

val-en-tine Pronunciation [val-uh n-tahyn] –noun

Dear Irish Boyfriend,

I think you are as wonderful as a cool pint of Guinness on a Saturday afternoon, and I want to sing my praises for all of your help in my Trina Left Iowa adventure.  This blog would not be possible without you.  No, seriously it really wouldn’t!

My technology/internet skillz (that’s right, skills with a z) may impress some, but they are nothing compared to yours.  You helped me to commit to a blog name that fateful Sunday (I have some commitment issues…) and patiently walked me through the process of buying a domain name, hosting package, etc.  You explained Wordpress themes to me which again took immense patience.  Once everything was set up, you created logo images, worked with the layout and catered to my diva-like requests.  You took a lot of your free time to tinker with color schemes and fix things I’d broken.  Yet, the whole time we were working on the site you gave me final say and made me feel like it was my own.

Besides the techie pieces, you played a huge role in emotionally supporting me to begin this adventure.  We were team bloggers on Leading Associates which was how I got a taste for blogging and writing freely.  I’d never known that I had writing in me, and you encouraged me to develop this “talent” I had suddenly unearthed.  You telling me that I should create my own blog was the catalyst to this endeavor.  You were the one who made me realize that people may actually read and enjoy what I write. 

Lastly, you inspire me to believe in myself by constantly reminding me to have confidence in my abilities.  Putting your thoughts out there is scary, and it takes a lot of strength to endure extensive criticism on the internet.  Because of you, I’m positive I can handle this adventure whatever direction it goes…

Thank you,

Trina

PS.  It’s always nice to have the luck of the Irish with you (OK—you knew I had to say something slightly racist).

Irish Elixir