My time in the “welcome to corporate life” academy was the highlight of my post-college life, and the people I met there have forever changed the course of my life.  This Thanksgiving, I will be sitting next to several of these beloved people and thanking each of them for their presence in my life.  I am so grateful to have my friends from Boston and London visiting Dallas this weekend.

For those academy darlings who are not in Dallas to feast at Dave’s, I miss you and am thankful to have you in my life too; especially you, Tommy McD.

As for my primary family, I will be missing you all and hope we are all together soon (preferably during a warmer time of year up north).  Make sure to have a few of the following for me: my mother’s Iowa corn, Aunt Margie’s cream puffs, Aunt Gail’s pumpkin cookies, Aunt Jo’s potatoes, Uncle Gordie’s blue pop (wink), Uncle Richard’s pear wine (careful though…), Aunt Arlene’s turkey and Aunt Tina’s amazing salads.  Brett and Derek, you can have my dessert.  I actually miss you all…not just the food…I swear!

To my hometown loves, I feel a pang of sadness in my heart when I think of the festivities going on at Sportsman’s this week.  Please have a few beers for me, and tip the bartender if she is sporting her Thanksgiving shorts…oh, you know which ones.

Why the blogging silence?  It is most certainly not because I dislike blogging.  No, it has had to do with my inability to drown out all the noise going on in my head.  All this change has taken a lot of adaptation on my part, and I’m a person who thinks…and thinks…and thinks…about everything.  For me, writing a blog post with all that white noise swirling around in my head is damn near impossible; hence, the lack of blogging.

As I was struggling with inability to silence my brain, I decided to seek advice from a new mentor.  She told me I was letting my thoughts control my life.  Her advice was to step out of my head and live my life.  After chewing on that nugget of advice for a bit, I realized she was dead on.  I was spending my free time worrying, pondering, analyzing, etc, etc rather than enjoying my exciting new life.  I decided to take her advice by letting myself live in the moment, take deep breaths and quiet my worried thoughts.

One week after stepping out of my head, here I am writing a blog post.  I am calmer and already feel like things have slowed down a bit.  My stress levels are at a manageable level, and I feel more like myself.

If I ever notice myself going into frequent hyper-thinking moments (apparently my eyes open wide and glaze over when I give into my thoughts) again, I’m going to try and take a step back from it all.  Life doesn’t happen in your head and being trapped in there is maddening.

That's me living life: making homemade pizza and drinking wine

What is fat talk?  The site defines it as:

Fat Talk describes all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies. Examples of Fat Talk include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?”, “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.” Statements that are considered Fat Talk don’t necessarily have to be negative; they can seem positive yet reinforce the need to be thin — “You look great! Have you lost weight?”

I am terrible when it comes to fat talk… Like the majority of women, I have body image issues and frequently buy a one-way ticket to negative town.  When I start the down negativity spiral, it really does have an effect on everything in my life.  The other morning my pants were really tight, I got down on myself and it ruined my morning—I know I’m not alone on this kind of morning.

That’s why I’m on board with Fat Talk Free Week and am going to work on promoting a more positive body image:

Fat Talk Free® Week (Oct 19 – 23, 2009) is an international, 5-day public awareness effort to draw attention to body image issues and the damaging impact of the thin ideal on women in society. This 2nd annual nationwide body activism event was borne from Delta Delta Delta’s (Tri Delta’s) body image education and eating disorders prevention program, Reflections: Body Image Program™.

The top 5 ways to promote positive body image:

1. Choose one friend or family member and discuss one thing you each like about yourself.
2. Keep a journal of all the good things your body allows you to do (e.g., sleep well and wake up rested, play tennis, etc.).
3. Pick one friend to make a pact with to avoid Fat Talk. When you catch your friend talking negatively about their body, remind them of the pact.
4. Make a pledge to end complaints about your body, such as “I’m so flat-chested” or “I hate my legs.” When you catch yourself doing this, make a correction by saying something positive about that body part, such as, “I’m so glad my legs got me through soccer practice today.”
5. The next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than objecting (”No, I’m so fat”), practice taking a deep breath and saying “thank you.”

Yesterday, I prevented several fat talk moments and felt better about myself.  However, I let a few negative comments slip, but I corrected them in my head with a positive thought.  The next time I let a fat talk moment happen I have to say the positive comment out loud for reinforcement.

If you would like to learn more or get involved, visit their site and watch this video.  Spread the word!!

In the past, I have written about the need to treat yourself for sanity’s sake and created a list of “treats” I give myself.  In noticing my recent ridiculous and totally out of balance behavior, I realized that this list needs to be updated.  What’s the additional sanity-saving treat?  Blogging, of course.

Once I put my finger on what I was missing in my over-booked schedule, it was clear that blogging had to be a top priority in my life.  Working longer hours and helping my foreign love get settled have caused me to write NOTHING and I HATE it.  Previous Saturday morning writing sessions at my favorite Starbucks listening to my favorite music have become a creative outlet that I didn’t have before.  I didn’t realize how much writing was a release that made me more sane.  Not blogging has made me a bit agitated and edgy.

Here I am now back at the keyboard, and I’m already a bit calmer.  I can’t promise another blogging dry spell won’t arise, but I can say it will be much shorter…for my and everyone around me’s sake

Blogging is key for my sanity

The revised sanity list:

• Exercise – It was the first thing that I put back on the schedule.  I put it high on the list, and I have felt healthier since.  Stress was making me sick and tired all the time, and exercise helps to even that out.  Bonus: no pills needed.
• Calling my family – When I have a free moment, I like to call my parents, my grandma or my brother’s family.  Hearing my two-year-old niece’s voice or hearing about my Grandma’s busy social calendar always brightens my spirit.
• Wandering aimlessly around the grocery store – My dad and I used to go the store a lot when I was a little kid, and I love to do it now.  It may be a bit weird to others, but I can stare at food for hours.
• Taking a bath – Again I revert to childhood happiness items: the bath tub.  I have always been a water-loving creature and taking a bath is the business.  You can read, play with toys and do some serious thinking.  Fact: Alan Greenspan did some of his best work in the tub. 
• Jigsaw puzzles – A bit nerdy, yes.  I love ‘em though.  They are mentally stimulating (have to keep that photographic memory running) and tons of fun.  To me, there is nothing better than a pot of strong coffee and a jigsaw puzzle.
• Cooking – I love opening a bottle of wine and whipping up a delicious meal.  You’ve got to eat anyways, so why not make it an enjoyable experience? 
• Watching The Soup on E! – Joel McHale catches me up on all the ridiculous TV that I don’t have time to watch.  Oh, and it’s is absolutely hilarious.  It’s reality show clip time!!!
• Blogging – Blogging allows me to build my own little gem on the internet that is all MINE—it’s like my special construction project.  Writing gives me a creative outlet that I NEED, because I find immense clarity after articulating my thoughts on life via writing for the blog.

Many of us have lived a life with minimal risk.  It is in this riskless lifestyle where we create comfort zones allowing us to continue on in a steady state of happiness.  Others of us have shattered our comfort zones by taking major risks, such as moving to Colorado or traveling abroad, as soon as we were able. 

My life up to my twenties was mostly lived in my comfort zone: Iowa.  I was born and raised in Ida Grove, IA (Northwestern Iowa).  Although it was small with only 2,350 people and one stoplight, Ida Grove was a truly blissful place to grow up.  I was among life-long family friends, close to a majority of both sides of my family, able to roam the streets on my bike at all hours and felt very safe—the only crimes I can remember were drug related and rare.  My parents were happily married and both had steady, full-time employment.  Life was grand.

Despite all the comforts, I had been yearning to experience culture and life in a big city from an early age.  Ida County is particularly rural and far from…everything.  We were 1 hour to Sioux City, 2 hours to Omaha and around 2.5 hours to Des Moines.  Wal-Mart and fast food places were 26 miles away, and the nearest shopping mall was in Sioux City (you shopped with a mission).  The population was homogenous to say the least with nearly 99% of residents being white (most of them probably Christian), less than 1% foreign born and less than 2% speaking a language other than English at home. 

Country Roads Back Home

When it came time to end high school and leave this safe haven, I went as far as in-state tuition would allow: IOWA CITY.  My first few years at the University of Iowa were incredibly happy.  I was surrounded by a mixture of native Iowans, Chicagoans who migrated over for school and many free spirits.  Iowa City is a very unique spot in Iowa filled with artists, liberals, academics and free thinking people.  I finally settled on Biology/pre-medicine as my track and was pushing myself intellectually in the best kind of way.  Iowa City seemed to be the perfect stepping stone for a small-town girl desiring a bigger city (the Chicagoans thought the “Iowa City is a big city” bit was hilarious).

It was in my final months at Iowa when I started to have these intense moments of clarity.  It was a combination of study burnout, self-inflicted exhaustion, a desire to know who I was and a gut feeling that screamed “GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY!”  I was having a flash of my twenties in expensive medical school in the state of Iowa (where I got accepted)…and I HATED it.  I had an epiphany that I needed to use my twenties to discover who I was, and I knew I wasn’t a life-long Iowan.  I had nothing holding me back…why not leave?

I looked for grown up jobs in Chicago, but I wound up finding a company out of Plano, TX (North Dallas) with a development program for healthcare IT consultants.  I was to be in Plano for 3 months, learn all about healthcare IT systems and then be deployed to any of the cities with open roles.  This was a huge RISK and unlike anything I’d ever done before.  Also, was I really going to be moving to Texas? 

Prior to my Texan adventure, I spent my last few days in comfortable Ida Grove…comfortable is perhaps the wrong word.  I was stressed, not sleeping particularly well, experiencing heartburn (it’s horrible!) and losing my appetite (this really never happens!).  I’d made the decision without hesitation, but the enormity of it was hitting me like a freight train.  Part of me was thrilled about the adventure and potential self discovery, but the other half was terrified of the unknown.  I took deep breaths and headed to Texas.

My first 3 months in Plano wound up being some of the happiest in my life.  Texas was warm in the winter, I fell head over heels for an Irishman and I met some of the most wonderfully diverse and funny people.  I grew up, learned about self awareness and started to build confidence.

Leaving Iowa for Texas was a 751 mile leap outside of my comfort zone.  After the development program ended, I was sent to Chicago very briefly, then to Rhode Island for 8 months and now back to Dallas.  All of these moves were out of my comfort zone and some of them were NOT POSITIVE experiences.  Even though there was a lot of pain, I wouldn’t change any of them, because I grew up in the process.  I’m a tougher, better person because I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I amassed some great stories through it all.

Dallas Mates in Austin

I knew some time with my family was what I needed, because I find spending time with people who get you down to your core is an amazing way to refocus and re-center.  This Saturday I boarded a plane to Omaha to spend a week at my parent’s house in my hometown.  It has been almost 9 months since I’ve been home (a reality I accepted when I left two years ago). 

You may be thinking: what about that pesky thing called work?  Well…due to the client’s budget restrictions, I have only been traveling to Fort Lauderdale every other week.  My “off weeks” usually consist of me playing musical workspaces between the amazing Starbucks below my apartment and my favorite chair in my room (a bedroom chair was quite possibly the best thing I have ever bought).  Earlier in August, I thought to myself, “Why don’t I work from Iowa one week?”  It was like the flexibility of my work situation finally hit me: if I have wifi and phone reception, I can answer emails and dial into calls anywhere which includes my parent’s house (they have internet in rural Iowa along with electricity and running water…).

At this point, I haven’t even been home for 48 hours and already there is a calming effect.  I’ve had the stereotypical, yet wonderfully familiar, meal of grilled pork chops, potatoes and corn on the cob.  My mother’s side of the family came over yesterday, and it felt great to see my aunts, uncles and some cousins.  Also, it was reassuring that my aunts still have their talents in the kitchen (I may never eat again after yesterday’s buffet).  My cat who is nearing 20 barely remembers me, but we are working on our strained relationship – she doesn’t much care for me…or anyone for that matter. 

Yummy!

Until I have a home of my own that truly feels like home, this house will be home, home.  I’ve moved A LOT in the last few years, and no place has felt permanent.  Dallas feels closer to long-term but definitely not permanent.  I don’t know how often I will make it back to this house, but it has a soothing power that my apartment will never have.  There is such a special place for home, home.

My work partner for the week, Amelia the diva cat, is not so much into work

Fedora Hat

Apparently fedora hats and Guinness are appealing to foreign men, because it wasn’t long before a few French men were telling me my hat was trouble.  I was soon getting more attention than I had bargained for from a small group of French male travelers—some of which didn’t speak a bit of English…  Of course, Irish Boyfriend wasn’t far from my thoughts.  I rejected the French travelers as politely as possible (which wound up not being very polite as they were rather insistent on swimming in Lindsay and I’s apt pool after hours…), headed home and put the fedora hat in the closet where it belongs.

The next morning I started to think about my sudden popularity with French males.  Was this a new demographic for me?  Naturally, I assumed not.  Was it the hat itself?  Again, I assumed not as it was nothing special from Forever 21.  Was it the Primo’s margaritas??  It was more plausible than the other ideas, but no… That’s when it hit me: it was the strutting, the standing tall, the smile…it was some elusive CONFIDENCE! 

Like most women I know, my confidence ebbs and flows like the tide.  I’ve got days where I am incredibly hard on myself and others where I feel invincible.  Although I’m aware that I’ve got a lot going for me, I tend to forget all of that and replace it with self-loathing.  I spend more time tearing myself down than I do boosting myself up—it’s the reason I need so much external validation.

The night in the above story, my fedora hat didn’t radiate confidence into me.  Rather, I stepped up to the plate and reassured myself that I was amazing from hat to pumps.  I gave myself a big bump of confidence which is apparently attractive to French males (and possibly men in general…).  I’m going to apply this strategy of reinforcing self-assuring thoughts more often, and maybe I’ll get the positive attention I deserve in every situation.  Bonus: I won’t have to annoy people with my, “Do I look OK in this?” routine.  Also, I plan to strut more often.

I'm #1

There are certain situations and events that have a significant amount of permanence attached to them.  Since leaving the comforts of Iowa and emancipating from my parents, I’ve come across said situations/events and found myself getting a serious case of cold feet.  The very thought of passing these milestones terrifies me in a peculiar way.  Maybe I have some crazy ideas that they will tie me down a bit more than I want to be, or they will attach me to one particular place (I haven’t a clue yet where I want to put down roots).  Whatever the cause of my phobia, I’m going to divulge my ridiculous commitment issues, and I ask you to comment if you share any of these feelings (help me feel less nuts).   

A lot of my initial cold feet feelings came during my time in Rhode Island.  I had moved out there for work and was miserable.  I did not want to stay in Rhode Island for very long at all.  That is why I felt a lot of panic at the idea of getting a Rhode Island driver’s license.  There is a weird feeling of permanence when you see your face on a different state’s driver’s license.  Part of my entire identity up to this point in life was having a license that said Iowa on it.  Another more shallow reason was that I had a fantastic photo on that Iowa license, and I didn’t want to give it up (little sad, isn’t it?).  It may seem incredibly stupid, but I was going to do everything in my power to avoid ever walking into the Rhode Island DMV.

A related task I avoided was switching out my license plates.  Since mid-June in my 16^th year of life, I have driven around in a used, dark red car with Iowa plates.  In Rhode Island, I had the same fears with the plates as I did with the driver’s license.  If I was going to live in a car culture place where I had to drive every single day, I wanted to have license plates that reflected who I am.  Perhaps, I just had a plaguing fear of the Rhode Island DMV…

Like many other people in this technology-loving society, I live with my cell phone attached to me.  It is a big part of who I am and so is the number to ring that device.  I had always been a 712 area code which is a remote part of Northwest Iowa.  Anyone who knows that area code is probably going to know the town where I grew up or someone who lives close by who could likely be a distant cousin (the Midwest is a funny place).  When I was faced with the reality that I had to break away from the family plan (the final step to 100% emancipation from my parents), I wanted to attach myself to a place carefully.  Having a 401 Rhode Island area code was not an option, so I hung on to that 712 as long as possible.

These are just a few things that have truly given me “cold feet” since becoming an adult.  It may be a fear of certain commitments, or perhaps I was just afraid to give up a piece of me that felt so right (being from Iowa) and commit to another place that felt so terribly wrong (rural Rhode Island).  I know deep down that I will probably never live in Iowa again, and I’m comfortable with that.  However, I’m not keen on the idea of committing/putting down roots/tying myself to a place that I have no intention of staying for more than a few months.  I knew in a way that I’d be divorcing that commitment (Rhode Island for example) in a short amount of time.  It felt like a lie to take those steps to attach me to a place where I had no intention of staying. 

I’m proud to say that by moving to Dallas, I have passed through a lot of these milestones.  Although I don’t intend to stay in Dallas for many years, it will do for now.  Currently, I’m driving around with Texas plates, a Texas driver’s license and a 214 area code cell phone.

This Saturday will mark my 25^th year of life on Earth.  Unlike many other birthdays, this one is a major milestone year for me.  My life isn’t exactly planned out, but there are things I would like to do by the time I reach 25, 30, 40, 50, 65, etc.  This year the annual event has caused me to do a deeper than normal self reflection, and I’ve been brutally hard on myself. 

The first thoughts that came when I realized that I was actually going to be 25 were very negative ones.  I haven’t gotten a masters degree, I’m not living in the downtown of a glamorous city, I’m not in love with my job, I’m not one step away from engagement which will lead to marriage prior to 30 and children prior to 35, I haven’t lived in Europe, I’m still 10 lbs heavier than I want to be, I don’t have enough money for the down payment on a house, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…and the list goes on and on.  I began to feel bogged down by my disappointment with myself.

Suddenly I snapped out of it and realized that I’ve done quite a bit in 25 years.  I began to pat myself on the back for all the things I have done and recognize those accomplishments.  Here are some things I will be celebrating on Saturday:

• I went to the University of Iowa scared with an undecided major.  In five years, I studied biology (not an easy subject) and graduated with honors and with distinction. 
• While at school, I joined a sorority and began to meet people from all different backgrounds.  Also, I worked in a lab and made amazing friends that I’ll never forget.  I learned a lot about myself during those years.
• I left Iowa!!!!!!  I’ve had the travel bug since I was a little kid and knew I wanted to leave the Hawkeye state.  I do miss that sweet corn and those country roads…
• I moved a lot and didn’t go insane.  I moved to Plano, then did a two-week stint in Chicago, moved out to Rhode Island and finally came back to Dallas.  Each place has been unique and interesting its own way.
• I got a job with a huge corporation.  I may not love corporate life, but I have grown infinitely as a professional because of it.
• I have been in love twice and know what I want in a relationship.  I won’t stand to be treated like crap as I did in my early years.  This alone has been a huge growth and given me confidence I never had.
• When it comes to babies, I’ve got two nieces that make me light up with glee.  They are perfect!
• I have been to Europe!!!  I’ve visited London and Paris and can’t wait for the next trip.
• Hell, I’ve spent a summer in Okinawa, Japan.  How many people can say that they learned how to scuba during their summer in Oki? 
• I have done every kind of yo-yo diet there is, and I’m learning to accept my body.  I can be healthy and still be me without trying to drastically overhaul my physique. 
• I AM FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT FROM MY PARENTS!!!!!!!!!  This is huge.  I’m building up a cushion, saving for retirement, paying all my bills and chipping away at the stupid amount of student loans.  I still think my dad is in shock.
• Seriously – who does know what they want to be when they grow up?  Every project/assignment I tackle helps me to answer this.  Maybe I’ll move this one as a goal for 65…

My new promise to myself is to do this positive reflection each and every birthday.  I am going to sit back, think of all that I have accomplished, reflect on what my experiences have taught me and celebrate another year of life.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride more often and not be so hard on myself.  After all, if I can be financially independent from my parents, I can do just about anything.

You can find me smiling this Saturday June 13 at one of the Uptown Dallas pubs.