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I have had a few periods in my life where a perfect storm of change has occurred and altered my course. The last few months have been one of those times. Not only were things changing in every aspect of my world, I honestly felt like I’d lost my blogging voice. After two months off, I [...] This Thanksgiving I will not be returning to my hometown in Iowa, and it is the first year I have been unable to make the trip home. Surprisingly, I am okay with this reality. Why? Although they will never replace my real family, I have developed a secondary family in the last few years, and I’m excited to celebrate this stomach-stretching holiday with them. Over the last 4 months, I’ve had an excessive amount of change happen in almost every facet of my life: work—I’ve switched positions from a travelling consultant to a stationary office worker, location—I stay in Dallas every week now (I actually feel like I live here now), financially—being local means I drive more and need to buy groceries so suddenly bills are going up, love life—Irish BF has moved to Dallas changing our ridiculously long distance relationship to a suddenly very short distance relationship, physical size—I’ve been expanding… All this drastic change has resulted in many things, but one in particular has bothered me to no end: severe neglect of my darling blog. Yesterday I received an eye-catching email from my former sorority, Delta Delta Delta (aka TriDelta), with the subject line: Friends Don’t Let Friends Fat Talk. Upon reading the content and checking out the website, I felt compelled to post something on my blog, because I may be one of the guiltiest women out there when it comes to this. What is fat talk? The site defines it as: Fat Talk describes all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies. Examples of Fat Talk include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?”, “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.” Statements that are considered Fat Talk don’t necessarily have to be negative; they can seem positive yet reinforce the need to be thin — “You look great! Have you lost weight?” I am terrible when it comes to fat talk… Like the majority of women, I have body image issues and frequently buy a one-way ticket to negative town. When I start the down negativity spiral, it really does have an effect on everything in my life. The other morning my pants were really tight, I got down on myself and it ruined my morning—I know I’m not alone on this kind of morning. That’s why I’m on board with Fat Talk Free Week. The past few weeks have been hectic to say the least with finding my groove in the new role at work and having my on-and-off-again long-distance Irish boyfriend move to Dallas, and I have found myself going a bit nuts… My zero-to-frustrated time is minimal, I’ve burst into tears twice and an early morning runner in my hose turned into an over-the-top dramatic event (there were witnesses too…). I may be a bit feisty, but this is too much even for me…something is out of wack. In the past, I have written about the need to treat yourself for sanity’s sake and created a list of “treats” I give myself. In noticing my recent ridiculous and totally out of balance behavior, I realized that this list needs to be updated. What’s the additional sanity-saving treat? Blogging, of course. Many of us have lived a life with minimal risk. It is in this riskless lifestyle where we create comfort zones allowing us to continue on in a steady state of happiness. Others of us have shattered our comfort zones by taking major risks, such as moving to Colorado or traveling abroad, as soon as we were able. My life up to my twenties was mostly lived in my comfort zone: Iowa. I was born and raised in Ida Grove, IA (Northwestern Iowa). Although it was small with only 2,350 people and one stoplight, Ida Grove was a truly blissful place to grow up. I was among life-long family friends, close to a majority of both sides of my family, able to roam the streets on my bike at all hours and felt very safe—the only crimes I can remember were drug related and rare. My parents were happily married and both had steady, full-time employment. Life was grand. Lately I have been stressed for unknown reasons. I can’t quite pinpoint what exactly is bothering me but something sure is… I’ve been wound up a little more than usual – yes, it is possible for me to be even crazier than my normal, baseline state. My attempts to calm down and relax have been unsuccessful as I’ve been on the go-go lately: a week in Fort Lauderdale for work, a wedding in Houston, a work week in Dallas, another wedding in Houston, etc. I knew some time with my family was what I needed, because I find spending time with people who get you down to your core is an amazing way to refocus and re-center. This Saturday I boarded a plane to Omaha to spend a week at my parent’s house in my hometown. It has been almost 9 months since I’ve been home (a reality I accepted when I left two years ago). I like to think I’ve got great style, but often times I lack the confidence to pull things off. Many an outfit makes me feel awkward or fat, and I find myself wanting to run home and change the entire time I’m wearing said outfits. My brain begins obsessing that everyone is looking at me and mocking my failed attempt to be hip and stylish. I am my own worst enemy, because it causes me to seek encouragement by asking others, “Do I look ok in this?” Fact: I need a considerable amount of external validation to just be me. There are certain situations and events that have a significant amount of permanence attached to them. Since leaving the comforts of Iowa and emancipating from my parents, I’ve come across said situations/events and found myself getting a serious case of cold feet. The very thought of passing these milestones terrifies me in a peculiar way. Maybe I have some crazy ideas that they will tie me down a bit more than I want to be, or they will attach me to one particular place (I haven’t a clue yet where I want to put down roots). Whatever the cause of my phobia, I’m going to divulge my ridiculous commitment issues, and I ask you to comment if you share any of these feelings (help me feel less nuts). This Saturday will mark my 25th year of life on Earth. Unlike many other birthdays, this one is a major milestone year for me. My life isn’t exactly planned out, but there are things I would like to do by the time I reach 25, 30, 40, 50, 65, etc. This year the annual event has caused me to do a deeper than normal self reflection, and I’ve been brutally hard on myself. |
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