This post is one I wrote for Leading Associates in May 2009. I’m proud of the posts I wrote for LA, and I wanted to include them here at Trina Left Iowa.
I have always and will always love stories of sweeping, epic romance. As a child I was captivated by such stories mainly in the form of movies (from the Little Mermaid to the Thorn Birds). The over-arching theme was always attractive couples with a spark that never died. I dedicate a good portion of my free time to examining that everlasting spark by watching romantic comedies and fantasizing about romances. In fact, last Saturday night was an intensive night of research in the form of watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and Notting Hill (a dual-themed night: rom coms and London…pretty wild night). If my hours of study have taught me anything, it is that relationships are rarely “perfect” or “fairytale” but rather bipolar in nature. Love’s manic highs and crushing lows have given me a reality check on romance and caused me to hurt my brain thinking about it.
There are many fictional and real couples that appear to have it all and be incredibly in love. I tend to idolize these hot romances and put them on pedestals, but I forget that they have all had their ups and downs. I look at my parents who are unbelievably happy after nearly 40 years of marriage. Everyone knows that 40 years means many fights, a lot of tense moments and a whole lot of sacrifice, but they work at their marriage every day and still love each other deeply in the end. Newsweek wrote a great article about Barack and Michelle Obama which pegs them as the millennial’s dream couple. I can’t imagine the stress that relationship has endured, but they look so at ease with one another. I’m jealous… Another presidential couple that comes to mind is John and Abigail Adams. I’m not going to pretend I’ve read David McCullough’s acclaimed biography, but I have seen the HBO series (it’s really good!) clearly making me an expert. I was moved by the deep connection between the Adams family matriarch and patriarch. Their steamy romance endured a revolution, many children, years of separation, a vice presidency, a presidency and many other trials. Their connection is one that I think every couple dreams about.
The cynic inside of me knows there are tough times in every relationship, but there is always a euphoric state in the early part of a romance to throw you off. Flowers smell better, music sounds more heavenly and nothing can appear to go wrong. I call this the “Katrina and the Waves period” where a person is truly walking on sunshine. Unfortunately, the skipping and singing in the streets comes to an end and reality hits. There is no perfect person, and life tends to interfere with the fairytale. Although imperfections and hiccups may be frustrating, it is these challenges that test relationships to see if they are the real deal. I have found that working through the kinks is what makes you truly love the other person or know when it’s time to end the romance.
I have had two “real” relationships (I’m excluding flings, jerks that treated me like crap and obviously hook ups of any sort) – one ended and one is ongoing. Neither one of them have been easy, convenient or fairytale-like. My ex-boyfriend lived four hours away (clearly not ideal) yet we made it work by talking every night, weekend visits, etc. We had a lot of fun together, I adored him and he quickly became my best friend. I changed a lot after I graduated college, and I started to head in a different direction. More problems kept coming up, and my feelings started to change. Although I still loved him, I had fallen out of love with him and didn’t think we could make it in the long run. To this day, I still feel a deep pain when I think about him, because he was so very special to me even though it didn’t work out.
My current “situation” has been a roller coaster ride filled with blissful highs and dark lows. We met at the most inconvenient time in our lives: during our 3 month corporate development program when we were both trying to focus on our careers. We fought the attraction for awhile, but it eventually turned into an incredibly intense connection we couldn’t ignore. He now lives in Europe, but we can’t seem to quit each other (we’ve really tried…). He makes me laugh more than anyone, keeps me grounded, brings out the best in me and still gives me butterflies. If it weren’t for the Atlantic Ocean and a series of unfortunate events, this relationship had fairytale potential. As we work through the distance and our problems, it becomes more apparent to me that we have a great spark and the gusto to deal with the tough times. Even though it hasn’t been a perfect story (and it is a bizarre one to many), I still think of him as my prince charming.
My romances most certainly haven’t been fairytales. Situations complicate things, feelings change and the timing is terrible. Do I believe in romance and everlasting spark? Yes, it comes with unglamorous struggles but is totally worth it for the right person. Do I believe in fairytales or perfect relationships? No, much in the same way that I don’t believe in leprechauns or a right-wing social agenda.